Ooh, meaningful eye contact with Beau Brody.
- God, he's so cute. - He is a God...
but that was hardly meaningful. It wasn't even a two-second hold.
Well, maybe he's just shy. Ooh, what if he asks you to fall fling?
Dawn, Beau Brody is the captain of the soccer team.
A guy that far from the food chain would never ask me.
I wear a penguin hat.
Okay, don't look, but he is looking over here again.
Okay, don't look! Ooh, what if Beau is asking Joey Donner...
if he and Chastity want to double date with you and Beau?
God, you two would make the cutest couple.
Hey, five-head.
That was my swimwear walk. I don't think it works with jeans.
- No, it does. - Thanks. So, listen...
you want to go to fall fling with my friend Beau over there?
- Why? Does he want to go with me? - Yeah, but he wants me to ask you.
He says he gets shy around pretty girls.
Shut up. He said that out loud?
I told you. I swear to God, sometimes I think I'm psychic.
- Okay, bye. - Okay, bye.
- No. No way. - Please. This is momentous.
This is a milestone moment in my young life.
My chance to finally have my first date, and not just any date...
but a date to the most important dance of the fall with the cutest boy at school.
I thought you said Joey Donner was the cutest.
Who's not taken. I've had a crush on Beau Brody all week long.
Ooh. Have you picked out invitations?
Kat, I'm begging you.
I think Beau and I could be soul mates...
like you and Patrick Verona.
Wow. You realize this isn't sweet valley high, right?
You leave me no choice.
- Patrick? - Don't you dare.
Please take my sister to fall fling.
Excuse her. She was dropped on her head as an infant.
Now she has these episodes. Let's get you medicated.
Look, deep, deep down beneath my sister's crusty exoskeleton...
- she has a soft spot for you. - I'm going to kill you in your sleep.
I'm sorry, but I'm desperate.
My father is a freak who won't let me date until she does...
so will you please take her to the dance?
You can consider it a charitable contribution to the free Bianca Stratford foundation.
Okay, I'll do it.
- What? - What?
I'll take her to that dance.
Even if you are serious, what makes you think I'd go?
Don't ask questions. Just say yes.
I am serious. I'd like to see how you look in a dress.
I'll pick you up at 7:00.
- We both have dates to the dance. - Sleep with one eye open.
::: Timecodes - gius :::
I'm bummed. Chastity and I aren't going to the dance 'cause she's getting her gums scraped.
Uh-huh. So tell me more about Bianca.
Oh, she's really cool. She's great at chemistry, and she's got this really great face.
It's- it's symmetrical but not too symmetrical 'cause that could get boring.
Right. So she bought all that stuff about me being shy around pretty girls?
Why wouldn't she buy it? It's true, right?
Dude, I'm the David Beckham of Padua High.
I don't need to be shy, but girls dig it. It's non-threatening.
Not cool, Beau. Because of you, I lied to her.
- Hey, man, I'm sorry-- - She's a nice girl.
You better treat her right or-- or I'll treat you wrong.
Jeez. Touchy, touchy.
Yeah, she can't be that sweet. After all, she did sleep with Mr. Ross.
I plan on treating her right.
You're talking to Beau. Ah, thanks for getting back to me.
Can I book a room for Saturday night?
Two people. No, no, no, no. One bed.
I mean, what do you really know about this Beau guy?
He's cute, and he has the best smile, and...
if I tell you something, do you swear to never repeat it to anyone?
Sure.
This is going to be my first date ever.
- This is your first date? - Shh. Not so loud.
I don't want anybody to think I'm Amish.
But, Bianca, your first date should be special...
with someone who cares about you and respects you.
How much more special can you get than to go with the super-hot captain...
- of the soccer team? - But are- are his intentions honorable?
We're going to a high school dance, not colonial Williamsburg.
I don't know. I just have a bad feeling about him.
I know. Why don't you cancel, and we can go together?
Oh, you don't have a date. Well, that's okay.
You can go with another friend-- Someone like, um, Benji!
Hey.
Bye, Cameron.
It's not see-through. That's good.
Three inches above the knee. Denied.
But, daddy, this is the sixth dress you've rejected.
Why don't you wear that nice one you wore to last year's school play?
It was my costume. I was playing Helen Keller.
It was very flattering. Even she could have seen that.
Hi, daddy.
Kat, I'll need to approve your outfit as well.
- I'm going in this. - Approved.
You can't wear that to the dance. Patrick said he wants to see you in a dress.
- So I should give my date everything he wants. - Give your date nothing he wants.
Come with me. I'll get you fixed up.
- I don't need your help. - You're right. What you need...
is a team of professional stylists, but I'm what you got.
Patrick is going to love me.
- Bianca, that dress is still too short! - I'll slouch!
Here we go.
- Uh-uh. This is scary. - Don't blink.
Trust me, this dress will not look good with an eye patch.
Why do women do this?
Do men say, "Oh, gosh, you know, she'd be perfect...
if only she had black crap all over her eyelashes"?
I finally get to make you over, and you're sucking all the joy out of it.
Sorry.
Wow. I've been tuning you out for so long...
I never realized you're actually pretty.
Oh, my God, I look like a princess.
This is my first date, and I'm so excited, I think I might pee in my pants.
Please don't. These shoes are open toe...
and unlike you, I actually have realistic expectations.
- These things are never fun. - How would you know?
You've never been to one.
It's Patrick. He's here.
Wait till he sees you looking like that. He is going to die.
Not if I die first.
- I should go save him from dad. - No, wait.
You have to wait for your descent.
- What are you talking about? - Your descent down the stairs.
There's one in every great movie, like she's all that, the classic film...
about the pretty-ugly girl who becomes pretty.
Coincidence? I think not.
You realize you're not actually living in a teen movie, right?
Be sure to go so slowly...
it looks like you're moving in slow motion.
That will give him time to realize he's falling in love.
Seriously, read a newspaper.
Wait.
Take this lip gloss just in case he gets past your defenses.
This is the baby crowning. Oh, this is what placenta looks like.
Here's the father cutting the cord. Of course, that's only symbolic...
because he's responsible for that baby for the rest of his life.
Got it. Sex makes babies.
Are you done with your inquisition, dad?
We have a stupid teen cliché to be at.
I was just showing your friend with the disturbingly deep voice...
who looks much older than 17 what could happen if he's not careful...
and by "careful," I don't mean, use a condom. I mean, keep it in your pants.
Dad, I'll be home by curfew.
I'm so sorry. His Tourette's is acting up.
Okay, he just really cares about you. Plus it's funny how fast he turns red.
It is, isn't it?
We taking my bike?
Please tell me he's talking about his 10-speed.
We're taking my car.
Don't worry. I have my stun gun.
Kat.
- Seat belts? - Yes.
* Don't you don't you wanna, wanna *
* Don't you *
* Don't you wanna see me flaunt what I've got *
* Don't you don't you wanna, wanna *
* Don't you *
* Don't you wanna see me flaunt what I've got *
* Baby *
* Come a little closer *
* Come and get to know me *
* And what I've got *
Cameron, he stood me up.
* Would you come and save me? *
* Would you come and be with me *
* And see what I've got *
I didn't get to show off this dress.
I didn't get to slow dance. I didn't get my first kiss.
Beau is such a jerk!
He's king of the jerks. He rules jerklandia.
Well, just because he ruined your date doesn't mean he should ruin your evening.
He also ruined my Monday, when I have to face everyone at school.
Bianca, this is crazy.
Let's go to the dance.
But this pity party's just getting started.
The deejay's going to spin some serious Kelly Clarkson.
Fine. Your loss.
But if we don't go to the dance, you'll never get to see my sick moves.
- You have sick moves? - Are you kidding?
I'm the conductor of the hot tamale train.
I'm sorry, Cameron, I just...
don't think I could do it.
If we go to the dance...
all they'll be talking about Monday is how beautiful you are.
* Turn it up and let loose *
Wow. And I thought school was bad in the daytime.
What do you think will happen first, a conga line or the electric slide?
Pretty sure I feel the "Macarena" coming on.
No "Macarena". Darn.
Well, that's all right. This is just as awkward.
I'd hardly call this dancing. These kids are just dry-humping to music.
In that case, care to dance?
No way.
Oh, I see. You can't dance.
- Oh, I can dance. - Yeah? Prove it.
* That you can care for someone so *
* You hold on tight just to let go *
Oh, I'm sorry. I'll try to let you lead.
Oh, this I got to see.
* Just let me be *
* To walk alone on empty streets *
Wow, I can almost forget I ate lunch here yesterday.
- There will be other first dates. - You're right.
Thanks for being so sweet.
I love this song. Do you want to dance?
Thank God you're here. I'm kind of on the fence about Eric.
Do you think eyeliner is sexy or just weird?
Yeah, I think so, too. Uh, so where's Beau?
- He stood me up. - Oh, my God, we hate him.
- Tell me everything. - No, wait...
- Hey, string bean. - Hey, Benji.
* I found out that nothing could please *
Wow. I think this is the longest I've ever seen you quiet.
Ah, and there goes a nice moment.
All right! Yeah!
Whoo!
- Yeah, I can't do this. - Me either. You want to get some punch?
- Did you really just say that? - Yeah, I did.
Okay.
Time for my sick moves. You ready?
Oh-oh-oh, yeah. This is called the roller coaster.
That is sick.
Or perhaps you prefer to dance with an Egyptian.
I'll be your Cleopatra.
*Hey I've got the frequency to turn you on *
- Why you got to be like that, baby? - Don't call me baby. I don't like it.
You are my baby, and I need babies to get strong.
Babies are smarter than me. Want to make out?
So, listen, I never thanked you for the other night...
during the fire.
Yeah, that kiss was pretty good, right?
No. For rescuing my mom's records.
Maybe you weren't raised by wolves.
- Was that almost a compliment? - Almost.
* I've got the frequency to turn you on *
Come on. Let's get out of here.
- And go where? - Anywhere. The beach.
That's exactly what this dress is missing-- Tenth.
I'll give you a piggyback ride.
Oh, don't be scared. I'm not going to try and kiss you again...
not even if you beg me.
Don't hold your breath.
Meet me downstairs. I've got to take a leak.
Good to know.
- By the way, I was right. - About what?
About how good you'd look in a dress.
* I've got the frequency to turn you on, hey *
* Something you done to keep it on, hey *
* Hey *
Step, step, step, cha! Step, step, step, cha!
This is so cheesy and so much fun.
* If we could live in this moment *
* Then you would know *
* That every line I ever said was meant to grow *
* I traded all of my chances *
* And now I see *
- Up close, you're really tall. - Yup.
- Up close, your hair smells nice. - Really?
It's this new shampoo. It has jojoba oil in it.
Oh, wow.
Cameron, thanks for making me come. You... saved my night.
I'm always here for you.
* After all this time *
* Now that I *
* Have finally found me *
Bianca, there you are. I am so sorry.
* Now the sun is shin... *
You'll never guess what happened.
Look, I know you're mad.
This is me annoyed. You don't want to see me mad.
I would have been there at 7:00, but some stupid kids let the air out of all my tires.
- You could have called. - I can't find my phone.
- I've looked everywhere. - You couldn't find another phone?
I didn't have her number, not like it's any of your business.
Don't you dare talk to him like that.
While you were out thinking up lame excuses, he was there for me.
- That's my phone. - I think it's echoing off the walls.
- It could be anywhere. - No, it's close.
- Just... - Cameron.
Dude, you stole my phone?
Why would I do that? I already have a phone, Beau.
It must've fallen in there.
Wait here. Cameron, what's going on?
I overheard him talking in the locker room.
He was planning on taking you to a hotel room.
So you deflate his tires and steal his phone?
Sounds a little crazy when you say it like that...
- but I did it to protect you, Bianca. - Protect me?
You ruined my first date, and I can never have a first date again.
No, listen. You can't trust him.
Can't trust him? I can't trust you. I thought we were friends.
- We are friends, but I have-- - Just stay out of my life, Cameron.
Let's go.
Bianca!
Whoa-ho!
I'm so trashed, for a second I thought you were Patrick Verona.
It's me, Keith.
Nice try. You wouldn't come to a dance...
unless you're a narc. Is this a bust?
I'm not a narc. I'm here on a date. Do you mind?
No, actually, I'm glad you're here. I feel way less lame now.
You want some? It's medical. I have early stage glaucoma.
I told you I smelled something illegal.
* It's getting much too easy to resist you *
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
* And when you're gone, it's hard to listen *
* All the tears I ever cried *
* All the lies you'd love to try *
* Everything's been said and done *
* You're out again I hope you're having fun *
* Baby *
* 'Cause I ain't having none *
* Not gonna be your plaything anymore *
- So, where do you want to go? - I don't care. Just drive.
I do have that hotel room.
- Take me home. - Okay.
- Are you up? - Yeah.
I had the worst first date ever. Boys are vicious, cruel creatures.
Remember that the next time you watch she's all that.
- Why aren't you with Patrick? - Who knows?
You'd have to ask him.
I saw you guys dancing with my own two eyes unless I need glasses.
No, I could get sexy, smart ones like Tina Fey.
- Are we seriously talking about eyewear? - I'm sorry. Not important.
Let's talk about Patrick. What happened?
I don't want to talk about it.
Got it.
I can tell you about my disaster of an evening.
I don't want you to talk either.
Fine.
You know, dad warns us every day about getting pregnant.
You're lucky. He warns me twice a day.
Yeah, well, he never mentions all the other ways a guy can screw you.
Amen, sister.